Hey Reader,
Happy Friday!
Last week, I talked about what a weak 1:1 looks like and how you might change it by introducing inside-out leadership. Today, I want to dig into what can make your 1x1s more effective.
You’ll walk away with new frameworks for your 1x1s. If you follow this way of thinking,
In my coaching practice, my clients do wonders when I lead the relationship with these principles. I wanted to tie these principles into actionable advice EMs can apply. So, over the last week, I poured myself into all the advice on the internet about 1x1s and connected them with the best coaching principles. Btw, I linked the best articles at the end of this email.
Alright, let’s dive in. [Reading time - 6 mins]
Here's how most 1x1s look like:
Tina: Hey Josh, how are you?
Josh: I’m doing well, thanks. How are you?
Tina: Doing Good. What’s up this week?
Josh: Oh, not a lot. [A big update dump]
Tina: Sure, let me know if you need anything.
Okay, I agree this might be too trivializing. Your 1x1s probably have more meat than this.
My point is that most 1:1s are just status updates, rambles about that rattlesnake trek over the weekend, parenting issues, or your plans for world domination. I want to be clear here that none of this is bad. Small talk and project updates have a place and time limit.
Sure, they build connection and rapport. But we humans use rambling to mask our uncomfortable feelings and confrontations.
And a leader recognizes this.
When I was an engineer, the best managers provided plenty of opportunities in my 1x1s to connect with them, brainstorm technical problems, relax and simply have fun. I greatly valued this. It excited me to work for such managers. It made me feel that I belonged to the team.
But, when I became a coach, I realized a huge missed opportunity for the engineering managers and those reporting to them. If my managers had led me using these coaching models, I would have had better growth. I would have had more opportunities to develop my creativity and improve my visibility.
I believe manager training doesn’t focus enough on the coaching part of their job. If I could single-handedly change all the manager trainings in BigTech, I would focus on this one skill set - coaching.
You might say, “They do tell us to coach”.
I would argue - Kind of. Not enough.
They give you one training a year and then let you shoot in the dark. Most companies seem to reserve such training only for higher-level executives.
Which is why I want to share this strong opinion with you.
When you change your approach by solely focusing on coaching,
Which results in greater fulfillment for your directs AND you.
Who better to ask this question to, than a professional coach? 😇
In all seriousness, though, there is a slight difference between professional coaching and coaching in the context of management.
I won’t get into the differences here, but the best way I’ve come to define this for an EM is to Model and Develop leadership.
Remember, the leadership I am talking about here is a mindset - ownership, responsibility, and creation.
When you are in a constant inquiry on ownership, responsibility, and creation for yourself, you get ready to develop it in others.
Let’s unpack how you can use this inquiry in your 1x1 conversations.
If you’re like any other average human, you want to sound cool, casual, friendly, and empathetic.
These ideals are great until it comes to modeling leadership.
You see, when you want to be seen a certain way or project a particular brand image, you’re bound to fail. It becomes exhausting to maintain that image, and you’re constantly threatened with disappointment (yours and others).
Your job as a manager is not to be liked. Don’t seek validation from your team that you’re a good manager, or worse, that you’re a good person.
Your job is to be of service to developing their leadership.
This means-
Come from an inner stance of leading them to be their best self, even if it means you’ll not be liked immediately or that they’ll experience frustration.
This is easy to say and hard to implement. It comes from working on your own transformation.
The only question in your mind should be - “What is blocking this intelligent, capable and resourceful person?”.
Create a space where they can bring their emotions, vents, and rants.
Create psychological safety but don’t get stuck there. You’re not their therapist.
Move them forward towards their goals. And if they’re not willing to, then be open about it that you don’t see them ready for the conversation. Find out what might support them to get to a place of a moving-forward discussion with you.
There are two schools of thought about giving advice when you coach -
My opinion is to land somewhere in between. Hear them out completely, figure out (with them) what they want and where they are stuck, and then give them space to think.
When you fully understand their thinking, give your advice as your opinions.
Your opinions and experiences limit possibilities. You want them to explore their own paths.
However, don’t babysit. Take off the training wheels. Give them a playing field. If they’re struggling too much, have a conversation about getting support instead of you jumping and fixing their problems.
This is the tactics and how-to part. I’ve added some of my own tips to the best ones from other coaches and leaders.
What I’m essentially saying here is, coach, coach, and only coach during your 1x1s.
Phew! There’s a lot here. Use these frameworks and tips in your next 1x1s with your directs and see how they respond. Hopefully, it gets magical.✨
I highly recommend these two articles as well:
This one from James Stanier
If this was helpful, hit reply and let me know. And if you have any follow-up questions, you can DM me on LinkedIn or hit reply and I'll help you out.
See you next Friday!
- Mounica
Hey, there! I talk about non-linear growth strategies and leadership development for tech leaders. Get mindset deep dives to break through into senior leadership roles.
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